i’m drunk with hurt; i lost my sense; is this a poem?

I heard your voice 
over the phone
asking me what’s wrong
At this point I burst to tears,
and I buried my head
in my teddy’s belly,
and I cry
and I cry
and I cry.

I tried to voice
my reason out
but I couldn’t
make a sound.
The muffled tears
spoke for me
as I continue
to cry
and cry
and cry.

The fire in me
was burning inside
and I couldn’t take it
I babbled in frustration 
and end up
half-screaming to the
pillow that supports me.
I still cry
and cry
and cry.

It was taking me all
of my will
not to run wild
and break everything
that I see.
You told me to breathe
and I took small sharp
breaths to halt myself
from crying
and crying
and crying.

You calmed me down
and I zoned out
and then came back
to thinking: I’m sorry.

And then I sat there and
thought of how
lucky I am to have you.
I still sat there and
thought of how
grateful I am to have you.
So I still sat more and
thought of how much
I really, really love you.

And then I found
myself again
silently this time
and crying
and crying.

I’m just gonna clear this up.

I don’t know.

I’m not so much of the jealous type. I mean I don’t really mind most of the time.

But I guess it’s different when it comes to friends.

(This refers to one of those “I have issues esp. with friends” kind of facts I’ve posted before. I’ve had this thing ever since I was in grade school.)


I know I may get a little jealous sometimes when I feel like I’m not needed anymore or when someone takes my place in someone’s life or when there’s a substi-Lourdes in some occasions or idk asdfghkl and I know it bothers me a little (and maybe for a long period),

but I’m not going to dwell on it forever.

Geez, I’m not going to let shallow reasons like that swallow me whole. It may disturb me for awhile but that doesn’t mean I’ll be a biatch or whatevs.

Just give me time to process it. Give me time to get over the feeling. Give me time to get used to it.

Because this is where the issue is. I have fears. I’ve always had them. They have been hunting me since forever. My fears eat me up.

And I fear being rejected. Being replaced. Being forgotten. Being insignificant. Becoming someone that people used to know. It’s just sad. How people can easily replace you.

I just get really scared sometimes.
Don’t mind me.

Through the lens, I see.

I’m no expert and professional. I’m a neophyte and an amateur.

And most of all, I just really fancy taking photos.

But things are always different in the eyes of a photographer.

The lenses are our media to seeing another perspective of what happens around us. These lenses grant us the power to look at everything closely and more attentively. Through them, we enter an alternate universe where all the things we see are magnified and all the photos we take have a deeper meaning behind them. 

The photos I took are of all sorts, and it’s funny how the best ones are those that are accidental. Ironic, because they weren’t prepared and expected to be good.

But there’s something so beautiful about candid photos.

When you see them, you jump into this dizzying rabbit hole of randomness and you laugh about how vague everything else is. Multiple stories are contained in one photo where so much movement is portrayed and so much emotion is evident. 

Sometimes I capture close ups of giggles and smiles and laughter and it makes me happy because I managed to freeze that happy moment on my own. I hear these loud cheers and screams and capturing that makes me feel like I’m with them, emptying my lungs out for my own team and giving full moral support. And then I capture people who are sucked in by boredom that they may be on the verge of sleeping already. By then I just smile to myself thinking of how they are dying to escape.

This is how it is.

When you hold a camera, it’s an endless opportunity to shoot because of the ideas that magically appear in your brain when you see the numerous subjects that surround you.

A mismatch of colors for friends in rivalry that come together. Scrunched up faces of determination to win. Loud cheers by the ever loving supporters. Annoyed expressions under the heat of the sun. Faces of victory and satisfaction. Prayers of sincerity to God Almighty. 

So with all of these happening almost at the same time, I was in an intense battle between myself and the efficiency of my camera.

It was such a refreshing sight, though. You know why? Because beneath all of that, I saw the true spirit of unity. I saw freedom and friendship. I saw how people became one with each other like they were born with the same blood. One course, one team, one family.

And even if the last of that two-day bonanza gave me a red sunburnt face that made me look like a half-squished tomato, it was all very worth it in the end.

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I love someone and then it fell apart; I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.
—   Grey’s Anatomy

If I Stay movie review.

Not entirely grand. You can’t say OMG IT WAS SO FUGGING BEAUTIFUL. But it’s nice. It’s good. And tragic and at the same time not. At first I was a bit curious as to how they would turn the book into a movie cus the book starts with the climax and the rest is an in and out between what happened in the past. But I guess they figured that out.

First off I didn’t imagine Adam looking like that but hawt damn when he actually starts to sing and perform I was taken aback because okay I stand corrected then THIS IS ADAM. Also, too much kissing. Like guys srsly stahp. Hahahaha. And it’s New Year? Where are the dammit fireworks. Meh. AND OMG TEDDY POOR SWEET BABY TEDDY :<

Sometimes the movie gets really steady and boring that you think, “Wow, I think I might’ve wasted money on this.” But that gets totally redeemed in the last. The last scene was worth it. When Adam finally wrote Mia a song. Listen to the damn lyrics GAHD HIM SINGING IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. It’s so meant and full of emotion, my heart palpitated and I was *thisclose* to tears. (Of course I was already crying on the inside)

So yeah. Was worth it after all.

(the mother tho hahaha)

"Are you the breaking heart that I once knew?"

I’m not.
Not anymore.

Because you happened.

You saw the mess that I was.
You saw how broken I was.
And you picked me up.
You picked up the shattered pieces of the being that was me.

It was hard to locate even the fragments, but you found them.
And you kept picking them up. Piece by piece, shard by shard, part by part.
You glued them together,
put me back together,
but there was always something off.

A piece jutting out.
Ragged edges.
An irregular form.

I told you to stop.
You didn’t.
And I was ashamed of how damaged, how crushed, how
—unfixable I am.

I’m not the same person you once knew.
You changed that.
You changed me.

you deserve someone who isn’t embarrassed to love you and tells all their friends about you and saves your selfies, whether they’re good or bad to look at when they miss you and loses sleep to talk to you and tells you how much they love you and how beautiful you are all the time and i really hope you find that one day because you deserve to be loved