"You can’t what."
There. Right there. The moment of realizing her mistake.
It was too painful to see her in front of me, struggling to find a reason why. The truth was obvious, and it hit me square in the chest that she wanted to end things with me.
Our “thing” was so beautiful, and she wanted to end it. She wanted to destroy the beauty and end it.
And then she told me why.
"I’m not used to the way you’re treating me. In a relationship I was usually the one carrying it. I was the one taking care of it. Making sure it wouldn’t break. You.. you’re too good. I’m afraid that in whatever bubble we are in, I might be the one to pop it. I might be the one to do wrong. I might be the one to hurt you."
Shallow. It was too shallow. She said it with so much certainty, carefully picking out which words to use. She said it with such pace as if she was convincing herself to believe that it was true.
She didn’t notice how it was a bullet to my heart. I swallowed the pain, but even it was all too much for my stomach.
Why can’t she just let me love her the way I want to? Why can’t she just accept the fact that one way or another, no matter what happens, I’m still going to love her with all that I have, all that I am, and all that I will be? Just.. why?
Guess I’ll never know.
I realized why I haven’t been writing anymore. I haven’t been reading.
Because I write as much as I read. Reading gives me more inspiration to write, more than the people or the things in my life. Music gives me inspiration, too. But it’s different when I read. When I start to absorb and gobble up the words, it generates into something entirely new and different. I get a new idea. A new picture. A new concept. Either it’s from wanting another ending or wanting a different scenario for this. It gives me satisfaction to get it off my mind, so I write a whole other thing that branches from that. The more I read, the more I write. I guess it goes hand-in-hand with me. That’s why.
It’s sad. College never gives me time to read anymore. My unread books are piling up slowly and surely. 😔
Come off anon and I’ll tell you what to do and how to feel and everything that comes in between the two. We’ll talk for reals. Okay? Okay.
But really college is not so bad. It has its perks. :>
put your knowledge
all to good use
study and study
this will become
your newest hobby
fail or pass
pass or fail
there is no in-between
only one will prevail
this is your cycle
you’ll thank God it’s
my college life.
"When I first saw you
I fell in love
And you smiled
Because you knew”
And felt the same.